I have planned this for quite sometime already, except that I haven’t had the time to get started. And no, I am not abandoning thevylette, but I will be blogging more at vylette on a s(wing) instead. And you people can finally leave comments on my blog again!
I would appreciate if those who have linked my blog will update the link 
Here shall be the graveyard of e l m o a n d f r i e n d s.
A time for joy, a time for sadness, a time for love, a time for solitary, a time to go yet stay.
Lately, when I want to get away from thesis/report writing, I will surf blogs (or read entertainment news). And I find myself reading more and more blogs of strangers… simply because my friends don’t update or frequently any more. So is it me who still hasn’t grown up from my teenage years? Or simply a reflection of how disconnected I am with the online world now?
Has the booming lovely online era ended? Or just in my case? I think it’s the latter.
All the things we used to do.
All the things they said silly.
All the things you and I (once) loved.
All the things I still wanna have.
Less than a day to the END of my misery. I cannot believe that I may be actually writing my last academic report ever! And I still suck at word limit. I have no idea how to delete 600 words (and I already deleted 200). Especially since I have not even finished. I have no idea how I can write so many words in two days. Okay, I think this is a ability mastered through proprocrastination.
Me clearly needs a summary machine, except that I may never need it by the time someone invents it. Oh well.
The numerous things I wanna do.
The numerous things I would love to do.
The numerous things I wish I can don’t do.
The numerous things I need to complete now.
No matter how a dark period may be, one day, it will be over. And even if we do understand this clearly at that point, it still doesn’t give any comfort. But I am still glad that it’s over. But just glad. No euphoric feelings. It simply just feels it’s done. The end of something mundane. Very very weird. Even though last night, I couldn’t sleep. I keep thinking of all the things I am going to be able to do after this Thursday. And it kept me awake for 2 hours. So in the end, all my plans didn’t work out. Nevertheless, luckily, my black ink lasted!! It started alerting me that it’s running low when it only printed my second copy halfway plus the fact that I reprinted quite a number of pages due to problems with the tables and in my frantic rush, kept printing the entire copy instead of selecting the current page so in the end, I have a lot copies for the first few pages. Times like these, I feel that I am very very blessed. Because my printer could just refuse to print them.
It’s almost 6pm and I haven’t get started on my clinical report but I need a break and my back feels like breaking from all the hunching.
The school called me up again. I thought it’s the same thing but it’s another one. I think NTU or HSS or the Psychology Division really quite like me. If so, can you just give me the grades I want for the last semester! Otherwise, it would be quite a miracle to not become my most disastrous semester. ((Bad thoughts: DELETE!))
I shall start thinking what I want to write for my clinical report, search for some articles, watch my prime time TEEVEE and then get started on it in the late night. I cannot wait to meet up with numerous people!!!!
I almost went blind doing up the content page. And checking citations and references and statistical symbols are a headache. And I cannot believe how fff long my thesis is. Okay, actually it is because of the numerous tables and figures. Haha.
Just left to wake up, write my abstract (opps!), maybe read 1 more article, check through one more time, print, bind, hand in.
I cannot wait to say byebye to my thesis!!
My appetite is back! I finally ate three meals in a single day. Even though I still didn’t manage to finish the soup. And yesterday, my mum even asked me is it because the soup is not nice? Because I haven’t been finishing up my soup for the last few days. And I am famous for loving soups, at least among certain groups of my friends.
Now that I finally have the inspiration to write, time is running out. Then again, probably because time is running out, that’s why my inspiration came. I think I will end up deleting some extra results. And erm I hope I have time to make my introduction more substantial. Or rather my hypotheses. Because it seemed that I am talking a lot about the sideliners instead. Opps. But I haven’t finished my discussion as of now. So let’s see how it goes. And I die die want to submit it the first thing on Monday’s morning, so that I will have a couple more hours on my clinical report. Brawls.
Luckily my entire life has always been the classic example of the rollercoaster cliche, otherwise, I doubt my heart could have taken all the emotional up(down)heavals lately.
P.S. Stop surfing the net except for articles once you eat finish your kokokrunch. By the way, stupid NTU shut down the online database service for some updating shit. If not for the fact that I have access to NUS library, I think I would suffer another yet bigger blow today. TSK.
Not that I haven’t been thinking (actually super a lot), but while I was eating my dao hui minutes ago, all the god damm bloody things I can finally do in less than a week or 5 weeks plus time are making me so excited that I can feel my face flushing!!
If my neuroticism, bipolar or whatever other crazy personality are being measured during this period, I think I will either have been or will be sent to Buangkok Green.
Now I only need to channel all the positive energy to hello thesis.
P.S. I totally can empathize those school students who attempted to or committed suicide due to exam stress. But I have to say, thesis is a zillion times the stress of exams. I should start a petition on BAN THESIS, except that I am going to be free from it in less than 48 hours and that me don’t ever want to hear a single word about it after that, so someone else can do the dirty but life-saving job.
Forget what I said before. 60 hours to deadline and it is still in shit. Applause.
But I really don’t know how to continue. I should do literature or something. Bloody irritating to have to justify every god damm thing. Hello!
I haven’t finished my discussion. And I still have things not added in my introduction. And I don’t know if I should take some stuff out of results section (which means I need to delete some stuff from my methods section also) because I don’t think I can explain them in the bloody discussion section. I should be born like 50 years ago. Some published papers hardly have an introduction and they don’t cite too. Why can’t I do the same?!
It will be amazing if I can maintain my lowest grade after GP. H A H A H A. And I am starting to wonder if I will drop out of my class or not. So god damm bloody thesis.
On the good side, at least I am not going to depend on my GP as much as before since I totally give up on graduate school unless there is one that allows me to not do thesis.
Then there’s the 40% clinical report.
Monday please come faster. I don’t really want to care now. Even though I haven’t finished my bloody thesis. And there’s the summary to write before I hand in too. OH ME OH ME.
Thesis: The best way to lose weight and sanity.
I looked into you and saw the life I always wanted but forgotten or denied. And it actually felt like, it might occur.
Ever since I returned from the states, I thought a lot about it. But to save myself from explaining, I chose silence.
And so it had been an on-off disturbance.
I still have the two fortune teller slips – one from si ma lu in aug/sept, another from meiji shrine last july.
Sometimes I am so superstitious that it amazes me.
But I think the mist has really finally started to clear. And I finally realize what’s the mist about.
Today I am happier.
My second batch of fabrics have arrived, but I missed the postman as usual.
The sun is still shining. And tomorrow, it will shine even brighter.
I am still God’s child.
The cute journalist was right. I don’t feel much for University. In fact, take it off my life and I probably will be happier for these 3.5 years.
Bad choice for the school. Make that double boohoo.
Five more weeks and I will be able to return to where I came from.
The blue blue skies
The white white clouds
The blue blue seas
The bright bright smiles
My body seems to be coping via puking lately, or rather since a year ago.
And I am growing to become sadistic because it really feels good to finally puke after three days of nausea.
According to my weighing machine, I lost 2 kg since last Thursday despite of the water retention in me now.
And I really think my thighs have grown smaller.
Hormonal imbalance and stress are putting pimples on my face.
I had to return home (and listen to the stupid drilling) from the poolside this afternoon because I just couldn’t swallow my tears back upon seeing two little girls playing with water.
I had forgotten about this entire other side of the world. It felt so long that I don’t even think I ever did live in there. I don’t even know why am I doing what I am and was doing. I am not supposed to care about academics. What has University or expectations upon self and from others and social norms done to me? I never did belong to the normal side of the world anyway. So why do I even bother to try.
My eyes are tired from all the tearing in the past few days.
I guess it makes sense that since 2000 was the first and only time I cried over academics, I had to end this decade in this manner too.
I never did shed a tear when I lost you, but I thought a lot about you lately and it’s both a solace and turmoil to me. I keep wishing you would just appear and we could be friends till we are 60 again. I don’t know how it would help, but I guess it would work, for you were always around me, accompanying me through all the major transitions of growing up. I really wish you are here now.
I called out to you today. I wished you had survived because only you could have been forever.
I am tired. I don’t wish to die. But I am just really really tired. Yet, I really don’t want to let slip of anything from my very own hands again. I don’t.
And all the time, I had to pretend I am fine. Because I never ever want you to see me cry.
